The Victim Trap: Nurturing Resilience in Our Children
The future of our planet hinges on the social and emotional skills of the next generation of leaders. Currently, they're on playgrounds, hopefully honing the skills essential for teamwork and problem-solving.
There are insightful ways to categorize children. Some indicators reveal more about character and resilience. A friend shared an experience from a high-level ice hockey camp for talented high schoolers. Coaches observed kids arriving: those whose parents carried their hockey bags were grouped separately from those who carried their own. Interestingly, the self-reliant kids garnered more attention and college offers. This aligns with Carol Dweck’s “Growth Mindset” research, emphasizing the interconnectedness of these observations.
Preschool teachers witness a similar divide. Some toddlers, when faced with conflict, express frustration and try to understand the situation. Others immediately seek adult intervention, expecting problems to be solved for them. This reliance on external help can be problematic, especially when these children grow up without learning conflict resolution.
Jonathan Haidt and Greg Lukianoff, in their book highlighting the pitfalls of overprotecting children, note that shielding kids from minor risks hampers their ability to tackle challenges and recover from setbacks. They reference a telling NYTimes op-ed (Oct, 2018) which mentions that constant adult intervention can lead to “moral dependence.” Instead of resolving issues themselves, children become conditioned to seek authoritative intervention.
This dependency on authority can be detrimental. As a former boss, I've seen how relying on external decisions often leads to suboptimal outcomes. Haidt and Lukianoff also quote economist Steve Horwitz, who warns of a society leaning more towards coercion than self-resolution.
In essence, our world's fate rests on the next generation's ability to cooperate and solve problems. So, how can we guide them?
Embrace Conflict: It's a valuable learning opportunity.
Be Patient: Delay your intervention and promote independent thinking.
Observe Without Bias: Avoid taking sides.
Promote Problem-Solving: Encourage children to find solutions.
Acknowledge Emotions: Help them identify and express feelings.
Avoid Labels: Refrain from labeling situations or people as "good" or "bad."
Promote Resilience: Recognize pain without bestowing a victim status.
Encourage Self-Management: Let children experience and learn.
Champion Free Play: Haidt and Lukianoff stress the importance of unsupervised, mixed-age outdoor play.
In conclusion, children grow through play and challenges. They need these experiences to develop fully. So, parents, take a step back. It's tough, but essential. Trust in your child's natural resilience and let them navigate life's challenges.
